And I am not impressed.

People call it a page turner, and I will agree. I found myself frantically flipping through unending pages of whining and angsting, counting how much I had left until the blessed end.

I read the whole damn thing, though, except for perhaps a paragraph or two of Bella and Edward fucking with their eyes, and all I could really say by the end of things was this:

HOLY MOTHER OF GAWD ON A POGO STICK. WE KILLED GAEA ONLY KNOWS HOW MANY TREES TO PRINT THIS NOVEL AND IT'S SEQUALS? WE NEED DRUGS.

Or something along those lines.

Some parts were kinda cute, and I found myself thinking; 'Naw, those crazy kids' from time to time, but I firmly believe that Edward and his cohorts are not vampires. I'm sorry, Ms. Meyer, but, no matter how you try to explain it, VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE. DO NOT. They are a band of blood-sucking pixies without wings, maybe, but are far from being kin to Dracula.

And Edward? STALKER. Watching her sleep from OUTSIDE her room is bad, but the walking disco ball was INSIDE of her room. This is both an invasion of privacy, AND frickin' creepy. Fangirls, don't you DARE say that it's flattering. If Edward had been a regular human, y'all would have been freaking out. If he had been deranged(er), Bella would've been raped and dead before one could say 'Manson family'.

He's also abusive, dragging Bella around when she doesn't want to do something, insulting her intelligence (which she does have, she just lacks the common sense Goddess gave a turnip), later manipulating her into marriage, from what I hear, AND constantly putting her in danger because of his own selfish reasons. TWU WUV my arse, if he really loved her he would;ve left and STAYED gone. Let's not even BEGIN the tired 'He's just trying to protect her!' argument. She's clumsy, but not that clumsy, and she has the right to hang with anyone she wants. Edward had no right to prevent her from seeing Jake later in the series. Bastard. ANYHOODLES...

As for Bella...bratty. Very bratty. Self centered, lacking in common sense, snobby, condescending, shallow, spineless...these are but a few of the words that leap to mind.

No, she is not a nice girl, really. She writes most of the kids at her school off for twittering over the opposite sex, and yet SHE repeatedly relates to us unfortunate readers how Edward is her soul, her life. Filthy little hypocrite, she is. She has moments of goodness, yes, but those are few and far between in the endless sea of whining and mooning over Edward. My continuing cry was; 'Grow a sodding spine, you twit! It's been twenty years since the battle for women's rights, act like it!'

I like to think that, if she never met Ed, hooked up with nice human like Jake or someone else, she would've been much more awesome. She had the potential, dammit! Half of my pain was because of her wasted potential! She...she could've hung out with the guys, been a bit of a tomboy...I read somewhere that she's more of a guy's girl, and that fits so well. For some reason, I see her growing up to become a chef of some sort. *Has a moment of silence for the Bella that never was*

Oh, well. I suppose I shall now move on to bitching about the poor quality of writing. *Cracks knuckles*

Alrighty, first off, I must say that this book contains some of the purplest prose I've ever seen. Never have the words 'honey', 'ale' and 'erfect' seemed more hateful to me...the poor thesaurus has been beaten into a an inch of its life, no mistake. I spotted a few grammatical errors, and noted that the language is too bonbastic for the first-person story of a teenaged girl *Ignores irony in that sentence* No real teen thinks like that, at least in my personal experience.

The sentences are awkward and painful to read. The slightest incident takes pages to describe while the biggest events are covered in a twinkling. Sigh. The whole bloody book is about as stimulating as reading the dictionary from cover to cover...though that may be too ambitious for Twilight. Section Z is more fraught with peril than the entire series (NOT A SAGA) combined.

I have yet to read any of the other books, so I cannot say if the author's writing has improved, but I am not holding out much hope. I may or may not read New Moon...I fear what that would do to my brain meats.

Goodnight, dear Internets, and thank you Anceylee for loaning me the book, even if I found it to be a more effective torture than a trip down the Danish Slide.

~Doc